DEDICATED TO EVERYONE WHO'S EVER SAID ANY KIND OF DUMB SHIT TO A DJ...

STUPID SHIT PEOPLE SAY TO A DJ IN A CLUB/

THE EQUIVALENT THING TO SAY TO A CHEF IN A RESTAURANT

CAN'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING WE CAN DANCE TO?/

CAN'T YOU COOK SOMETHING WE CAN EAT?

CAN'T YOU PLAY SOMETHING WITH A BIT OF A BEAT?/

CAN'T YOU COOK SOMETHING WITH A BIT OF FLAVOUR?

IF YOU PLAY RIHANNA NEXT, EVERYONE WILL DANCE/

IF YOU COOK A SHEPHERD'S PIE, EVERYONE WILL EAT

YOU'VE GOT TO PLAY TO THE CROWD ... MAKE PEOPLE DANCE/

YOU'VE GOT TO COOK FOR THE DINERS... MAKE THEM EAT

I'M AN MC, BRUV. LET ME SPIT LYRICS ON THE MIC FOR A BIT, YEAH?/

I'M A COOK, BRUV. LET ME STIR UP A QUICK STEW ON YOUR OVEN, YEAH?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED OR WHO IT'S BY, BUT IT WAS ON RADIO 1 LAST WEEK/

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DISH IS OR WHAT'S IN IT, BUT JAMIE OLIVER ONCE MADE IT

DO YOU HAVE THE NEW SOULJA BOY?

NO

HANG ON, I'VE GOT IT ON MY PHONE. CAN YOU PLAY IT OFF THAT?/ 

DO YOU HAVE TAGLIATELLI VERDI?

NO

HANG ON, I JUST BOUGHT SOME FROM WAITROSE. CAN YOU COOK IT UP FOR ME?

CAN YOU PLAY BRYAN ADAMS 'SUMMER OF 69' AND JASON DERULO 'RIDIN' SOLO'?

(IT'S AN UNDERGROUND HIP-HOP NIGHT/ 

CAN I HAVE SUSHI, FOLLOWED BY CHICKEN KORMA?

(IT'S A MEXICAN RESTAURANT)

HEY MR DJ! (WHILST MIMING ACTION OF SCRATCHING RECORD WITH HEADPHONE CUPPED TO EAR)

HEY MR CHEF! (WHILST MIMING ACTION OF WHISKING AN EGG WITH ONE HAND AND ROLLING SOME PASTRY WITH THE OTHER.)

*

HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE. NO-ONE WOULD BE MORONIC ENOUGH TO SAY ANY OF THE SECOND PHRASES TO A CHEF 

IN A RESTAURANT, (OR WOULD BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE A TOTAL PLUM IF THEY DID), AND NO CHEF WOULD PUT UP WITH IT.

SO WHY DO WE DJ'S HAVE TO SUFFER THIS MONUMENTAL STUPIDITY EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND!

NOW DO YOU GET IT?!